Survival Of The Fittest

      "And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." - Nietzsche

You kept on fighting.
You fought when you came out of your mother's womb.
You fought when you were sent to kindergarden; when they asked you to leave your parents' side for the very first time.
You fought at primary school; when you learnt all that new things and it terrified you to realise the World wasn't just about you and your own little world.
You fought when you became a teenager and all your friends experienced things that you weren't ready yet.
You fought when people turned out different than what you thought they were.
You fought when you crossed oceans for people who didn't even jump a puddle for you.
You fought when you shattered to pieces but had to collect every last one of them until you were 'you' again...

You've fought till this day. You've known that it would never end; that's life. But you've never stopped fighting with yourself too, along the way. You've hid you from yourself. You've wanted to run away from you. You've thought you were weak; that you couldn't handle all that properly. You've hated how ignorant or naive or stupid you had been. You 've questioned over and over about what could have changed if you acted differently?

Like bukowski said,

Yes I have.
There came a time I felt like I was from another world; like I was a different kind. It was like watching life from an aquarium, captivated. Not being able to control my feelings; not being able to control anything around me.
I watched all that emotional brutality, all that fighting; souls getting tired, thisrty for a little bit of love but keep on fighting to survive. I couldn't decide if being different made me a freak or special; not being able to hide my so called 'vulnerable' side; my emotions. Was I full of hatred? I showed it. Was I full of rage? I showed it. Was I full of love? Yes, I showed it too.
It's hardly ever made me happy.

But here I am, thinking, is that really what it takes to survive? Why do I constantly feel like I should stop caring or seem like I don't mind at all? Because I MIND.
Is that what's supposed to make me 'strong'?
Isn't it just so weak to try to shut down your own emotions? Isn't it weak to shush the silent screams inside of you?

There's one thing I know, I will get more mature in time; but I'm not going to shut down my own soul; my own feelings. I'm tired of fighting; I'm tired of struggling. I don't know if that makes me weak or not; but I know that I'm brave.
I'm not ashamed because I care. I'm not ashamed because I'm kind and honest. I'm not ashamed because I value. I don't want to feel like I'm forced to hide it anymore.
People love, people hate, people fear, people FEEL. And that's okay to FEEL. That's okay to show them too.

I've got a couple of advices to the 'current' me.

I know you've heard these words so many times. But you stopped believing in them. But this is coming from you; someone who knows you more than anyone.

Just be the daisy in a rose field. Be the different one. I know it makes you unhappy most of the times; but nothing that's special would grow too easily. Break free from this chain of rules that society forces into us. Do not try to look like all the other roses out there thinking they are one of a kind. You are one of a kind if you aren't afraid of being who you are. It's okay to be different, it's okay to be 'you'. Don't run away from yourself. Be true to who you are.

-Elifnaz Kabalci